Promise.

I promised myself. No wait, I swore to myself.

To never be like her. She, who I despised and loved at the same time. She, who I looked to for strength, and who I blamed for everything that failed.

I swore never to make the same mistakes. Never to go as weak as she went. Never to compromise on my courage, or my dreams. To fight for what I believed in. and to always, ALWAYS, keep my pain to myself and to smile, no matter what may come.

But slowly, I became her. I despised myself. Despised her too. Blamed her for turning me into her. But it was too late. I was her now.

Not only her ghost, but her shadow.I became everything she ever was, and more.

But now, in her shoes, I understand. I empathise. All the dreams I thought she compromised, were not sacrifices, but a way for greater things to be, namely me and him. All the times I thought she was weak, she stood at her strongest. And all the times she broke down, was in exasperation, but she never gave up.

Now, I understand.
Now, I know.

That she is someone to be proud of. And to be her, an honour.

So now, I look in the mirror, and smile, proudly.
I am proud to be your shadow.

I love you, ma.

My masochist guilt.

We have our vices. And mine is not out-of-the-blue, but rare to admit, the feeling of pain and guilt. Oh, how I love the feeling. Not because how it feels, but how it inspires me; makes me feel I'm nothing but a mere human.

Well, that's my guilt, my vice. It drives me to a corner of near-crazy; almost solitude world of me and my wild things. Once I reach the so-called destination, it's like a complete different world. Me and my mind, and the wrongs of everything right; Ah! Whatta feeling that is.

Take a perfectly good day, and I'll ruin it, just for the sake of it. Just for the kicks that come with it. And how I revel in that glory is completely confounding. I'll take a perfect relationship and ruin it just cause it seems to good to be true or too fake with all the happiness.

And oh no no! There's nothing wrong with me. ( Or maybe there is, it's for you to judge, or not.)I am just a human going through the phase of change, which is ironic obviously.